Captain X-Tremo, he is my hero
Captain X-Tremo, he is my hero
A strange man in a foreign land
Quantum computing whatever he can
Captain X-Tremo…

He can turn a fondue into a toxic brew
More potent than a frat boy’s jungle juice
He can get pretty wasted on a Pastis colada
But instead of passing out he’ll do a via ferrata

He drags a novice climber (knows no knots) on multi-pitches
He wrecks his car and fixes it with bumper stitches
He can think for minutes, sex for seconds, given the chance
He can eat excessive sauerkraut and poop in his pants

Captain X-creto, poops in his pants
Captain X-creto, poops in his pants
He’ll eat a ton of sauerkraut if given the chance
And if you watch and wait he’s gonna poop in his pants
Captain X-tremo…

In quantum mechanics he bolted from his desk
When he returned we all could see the puke dried to his chest
With Uncle Roger’s cousin I know he got it on
But at Uncle Roger’s wedding I know he took it off

Captain X-tremo, streaking the wedding
Captain X-tremo, streaking the wedding
Running naked with men while holding their hands
It all must be a part of the master plan of
Captain X-tremo…

Under a cop car he threw my sombrero
8 cops came to get me while I’s diggin it out
They pushed and the pulled me, pressed my face into the wall
But I knew I’d be safe, I heard X-tremo call:
I’m gonna call my lawyer

Captain X-Tremo, calling his lawyer
Captain X-Tremo, he is my hero
A strange man in a foreign land
Who will call his lawyer whenever he can
Captain X-Tremo…


Well I remember the time we were out in Tennessee
X-tremo was smoking a cigarette, drinking a beer, & changing a CD
While he was yakking on the phone while he was driving to the lake
To do a little water skiing while we were getting baked

We saw a silo sitting there ‘bout halfway submerged
Not too be intimidated, off the boat he surged
He swam beneath the surface to pry open that rusty door
While we just sat that drinking, thinking what in the world for?

He dove down deep and swam inside to find a ladder he could climb
He’s halfway up then looks around in just the nick of time
Spiders big as any man’s hand by his feet, his hands, his thighs
With the biggest one and inch away from nibbling on his eyes

He darted to the very top and managed to get clear
And spied on yonder cliff a thing that only he could fear
A 15-year old cliff dive girl who was slurping a stolen beer
Was pointing at him and laughing thinking that he couldn’t hear

So he dove back thru that rusty door and he swam out to the boat
He skied to yonder cliff and climbed up top engorged with hope
He was not to be outdone
By some 15-yr old girl
He ran and launched out into space
And gave himself a twirl
He was flailing, flying
Praying, Crying
Twisting, Trying
Almost dying
Til he launched
Flat onto his back
And got
A great big purple bruise

I think it looks like Elvis

It was Captain X-tremo, he is my hero
Captain X-tremo, he is my hero
A strange man in a foreign land
Quantum computing whatever he can
Captain X-tremo…

Captain X-tremo, calling his lawyer
Captain X-tremo, poops in his pants
A strange man in a foreign land
He’ll up and streak a wedding whenever he can
Captain X-tremo…